You mean, you don’t like spending hours pretending? Normal! Play is the work of childhood, not adulthood. Plus, your toddler operates with an “absorbent mind,” which is quite different from your grownup “conscious mind.” Their interests, needs, and pace will be different from yours. If you’ve been feeling guilty for not really enjoying playtime together, let that guilt go.
However, what can you do about it? Ignoring their play altogether is not the answer, especially since children often seek connection through play – not just skills.
Before you do anything with your toddler, check on yourself first
Are you feeling depleted? If you are tense and heading towards dysregulation, it is worth taking the time to breathe and take care of yourself first. With a little one under your care, this can happen by honoring practical self-care. It can be drinking a glass of water, stepping outside for movement and fresh air, or eating lunch rather than breezing past it in a cycle of busyness. You cannot effectively fill your child’s “emotional cup” if yours is empty.
This means, if your toddler is running at you with their doll and begging for you to help dress them, you can say, “I will help you dress your baby doll after I eat my lunch.” This honors your needs and teaches the skill of waiting, which creates a path forward where you aren’t overextending yourself to play with your toddler – but rather, playing with your toddler in more grounded, quality moments.
Avoid saving your to-do list for “when your toddler naps”
Has anyone ever told you to save cleaning, cooking, and other household priorities for nap hour? This is a fast track to burnout and implies that you’re supposed to entertain your toddler all day, while saving the real stuff for a condensed kid-free window. Not only is this completely impractical for you, but it actually goes against your toddler’s developmental needs and interests, too.
Young children are in a sensitive period for understanding how stuff works, and it’s normal for a fraction of their whole day to revolve around toys while the bulk of their day is rooted in the real and practical. They are most interested in joining you around the home and out on errands because it helps them categorize, move, and learn – and feel connected to you!
The more you include your toddler in daily life, like unloading the dishes together or baking breakfast muffins, the more content they will feel to then go play later without craving your full attention.
Avoid treating play time as a “drop and go” zone
When you are prompting intentional playtime with toys, avoid the habit of tossing a few options at them and immediately removing yourself. It’s normal for young children to need a transition period where they crave your guidance, encouragement, and attention. It’s kind of like getting a new tracker or excel sheet to open at work, but instead of opening it and immediately filling in data or ideas, you might prefer that the project manager who set up the framework first walks you through how it works and what options you have. It’s the same for young children. Even if the toys are there, they may need you to walk them through how the different activities work.
Then, know when to remove yourself
Play dependencies can happen if you don’t remove yourself once your toddler is focused and engaged. After connection time, there almost always comes a cycle of independent play—this is when you can stop talking and remove your influence over their play.
One caveat: You may not be able to physically leave the play space when their separation anxiety is at a peak, but you do not need to re-enter their play altogether when you notice they insist on your presence. Instead, work in parallel to them. Grab a coffee, a book, or anything else that you want to focus on and can reasonably enjoy in the midst of toddler playtime. Remember, it’s normal for your toddler or young child to focus independently in 5-10 minute increments to “check in” with you.
Like most parenting strategies, the key is to strike a balance. Remember that your toddler’s confidence in being independent will come from close connection time with you. So, you don’t choose between quality time and free time—they work together. By building in more quality time throughout the day—not rooted in constant entertainment—you can set the stage for quality play times that won’t feel so heavily dependent on you.