It's common to disagree more than usual with your partner in the throes of new parenthood. It’s impossible to align on every single parenting choice proactively, so give yourselves grace when squabbles arise. Here are some tips to promote alignment as you adjust to life as parents.
Be mindful of over-correcting when communicating.
Instead of, “You got the wrong diapers!” Try, “I appreciate that you grabbed more diapers, but these ones have resulted in lots of leaks in the past. Can we stick to this brand going forward?” No one likes to feel over-corrected, so approaching boundaries or preferences with neutrality over judgment can go a long way.
Formalize more check-ins
Many experts and seasoned parents advocate for straightforward tools and processes that promote clear communication at home, similar to how you’d treat communication in a workplace. Why not use a shared Google calendar and set up recurring Sunday check-ins? The more you proactively connect the fewer chances of misalignment in the first place.
After a disagreement, reach for curiosity
Wait to revisit until you’re both calm and prepared to actively listen; the point of coming back together is not to double down on your own opinions. Give each other your full attention, ask clarifying questions, and summarize what you have shared. This creates an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Validate each other’s different feelings
Each of you may have different emotional responses to various situations. You may not see eye to eye, but pausing and validating your partner’s perspective is still helpful. This lays the foundation for joint decision-making. “I hear you. You have every right to feel overwhelmed by our night shift. I’m still not comfortable with sleep training, but I understand why you’re curious about it. It’s valid to feel frustrated and tired.”
Identify solutions that feel good to both of you
Once you’ve held space for each other’s side, try to move forward with mutual respect.
“I wonder if we could both benefit from a pause? Why don’t we both agree to do a little more research before deciding?”
“I wonder if this is something you’d like me to take the lead on since it’s something I tend to manage more in our current dynamic anyway? To what extent would you like to be included?”
“I wonder if there’s a way we can do both?”
By embracing open communication and active listening, you can navigate the challenges of parenting with unity and understanding. Check out The Gottman Institute’s podcast, “Small Things Often,” which has bite-size, research-backed relationship tips in accessible five-minute episodes! You both may also enjoy Emily Oster’s book, Cribsheet, which offers a data-driven guide to decision-making on all things parenting.