Play is fun, but sometimes it can be frustrating! Play is how your child learns, develops, and builds skills that help them navigate the world with more confidence and clarity. Inevitably, this means play can get challenging, and it’s normal to notice your toddler show signs of frustration.
Healthy frustration vs. excessive frustration
A little frustration is healthy; it builds “frustration tolerance,” which refers to our ability to handle and manage feelings of disappointment when faced with challenging situations. In the context of toddlers and play, letting them work through minor frustration builds their tolerance to “getting stuck” and activates problem-solving skills.
Healthy frustration might look like: | Excessive frustration might look like: |
Your toddler is focused and persistent, albeit antsy. | Your toddler begins to melt down and cry, breaking their focus and engagement. |
They may whine or show disappointment, realizing something is not working. | They may be destructive, dumping, tossing, or throwing the items. |
They may turn to you for encouragement or collaborative problem-solving. |
Your role in responding to frustration.
Try to take a balanced approach, similar to a coach or mediator. You’re not there to entirely remove obstacles or “rescue” them at the first sign of struggle. You’re also not there to leave them completely alone, which can feel quite discouraging.
Instead, when you notice your child is in the “healthy frustration” zone, lean in a little closer to:
Observe.What part of the activity is getting them stuck?
Narrate and validate what you see.“That block keeps falling down when you try to stack it. You seem frustrated.”
Ask permission to help,and start with the least invasive kind of help, such as verbal guidance as opposed to “hand-over-hand” physical intervention. “Can I offer you a tip?”
If they say yes, add your guidance.“I wonder if adding another block lower will prevent it from falling.”
Follow their lead.If they just want to problem-solve without you, stay on the sidelines and offer encouragement. “I trust you can figure this out!” If they turn to you and invite more help, such as giving you the block to try, model how you would problem-solve in a spirit of teamwork.
If your child is excessively frustrated, it’s not the time to offer a tip. Hold space for their big feelings and consider if the challenge level of the activity is too advanced or if they need you to offer more explicit guidance with the activity next time.