Parents often ask our expert team how to teach prosocial behaviors like gratitude and perspective-taking and how to help children tolerate uncomfortable feelings such as disappointment and frustration. The truth is, these concepts are tricky—even for adults—and it takes time and patience for young children to gain an understanding of gratitude and perspective-taking.
Let’s start with disappointment (and other uncomfortable feelings)
Children cannot learn to tolerate feelings they are not allowed to experience. So, if you constantly give your child what they want, clear obstacles they encounter, and do not allow them to navigate reasonable frustration, they cannot build up the stamina to tolerate disappointment.
Toddlers learn best from their own firsthand experiences. Further, they learn more when a parent remains close- to name and validate the feelings that they are going through. Over time, this allows them to start connecting the feeling to a name.
For instance, they are ready to go to the park, and it starts to rain. You might say, “Oh no! It’s raining, and we cannot go to the park anymore. That is disappointing.” If your child has feelings about this (which most will), you can validate and name it. “I understand! It’s disappointing when plans change.” Then, model flexibility and problem-solving. Once they have moved onto a new plan, praise that! “You were so flexible. You are now playing with blocks!” Allowing your toddler to work through it builds greater awareness, understanding, and tolerance to disappointment.
Perspective-taking is more of a kindergarten + skill
Perspective taking, or the ability to understand another’s point of view can be supported from infancy on by narrating your understanding of others’ thoughts, feelings, and desires. Still, children won’t typically have the full capacity for this by the age of 5. This is a general timeline; some may develop it earlier.
It develops naturally over time: first by the understanding that others may want something different and then by understanding that others may think something different. Here are some ways to support this in early childhood:
Model taking someone else’s perspective, respectfully disagreeing, and being curious about others' perspectives.
Give opportunities for everyone’s wants and ideas to be heard. A helpful mantra may be “everyone’s ideas matter.” This is especially helpful between siblings and can even be modeled with a new baby!
Read stories with diverse characters and plots. Ask your child what they think the character might be feeling, thinking, or doing based on the picture or the character’s facial expressions. One of our favorite books is The Rabbit Listened.
Let children engage in pretend play. Pretend play and imaginative play allow children to take on different roles, which helps them learn about themselves and others. They literally practice putting themselves in another role!
Gratitude also takes time to develop
Young children are inherently honest and say exactly what is on their minds. They don’t have full use of their social filter and may not always say the most gracious thing when given a gift or when someone does something kind for them. This is totally normal. It’s not your child being ungrateful; it’s your child not having the skill yet.
All people have the capacity to show gratitude, but it’s truly a skill that is learned and takes time and patience.
Here’s how you can support your child in learning gratitude:
Modeling is one of the best and most effective ways for children to learn these higher-level skills.Say “thank you” often and express appreciation for things both big and small. When your child sees you being thankful, they’ll start to mimic that behavior. If your partner or child does something helpful, you might say, “Wow! Thank you so much for bringing your plate to the sink. You are such an important part of our family. I am so grateful for your help.”
Use simple language to explain gratitude:For example, you could say, “Gratitude means feeling happy about the good things we have.”
Make gratitude a daily family practice,such as before meals or at bedtime. You could ask, “What was your favorite part of today?” or “What are you thankful for?” At dinner time, you can play “roses, thorns and buds,” meaning each person shares something they are thankful for (rose), something that didn’t go as planned or was disappointing (thorns), and something they are looking forward to (buds). Early on, your child’s answers will be concrete and simple but will become more complex over time.
Praise effort and kindness:When your toddler does something kind or shows appreciation, praise them for it. Positive reinforcement helps them understand that gratitude is valued.
Gratitude jar or journal:Create a gratitude jar or journal where your child can add drawings or notes (or you can write for them) about things they are thankful for. Visuals are helpful for young children.
Time and patience are the keywords here. You, as a parent, will play a big role in modeling these complex concepts. But over time, your child will start to understand what they mean and how to incorporate them into their everyday lives.