Sharing is one of those skills that all parents generally agree is important to instill in the spirit of raising kind and compassionate kids. However, it’s an advanced cognitive skill that most children are not even capable of before the age of 4. So, how do you teach sharing in early toddlerhood if it’s not within their wheelhouse yet?
Key reframe: An intro to “turn-taking”
Turn-taking is a precursor to sharing that is much more developmentally appropriate for your toddler. Instead of asking your toddler to give up what they currently have and offer it to someone else—which is confusing from their perspective and can fuel possessiveness—turn-taking teaches toddlers how to wait their turn.
It might go like this:
Instead of,“Claire, your friend is interested in your doll! Let’s share the doll. Please give it to Aiden now.”
Try,“Claire, your friend is interested in your doll! You are still using the doll. Aiden is patiently waiting. When you are done with your turn, then it can be Aiden’s turn.”
Turn-taking is kind and compassionate
Learning to wait models respect for others, and it helps your toddler feel secure in their understanding of what is theirs and what is not. Sharing comes from a foundation of knowing what is theirs and then being able to voluntarily decide to lend it.
Sharing won’t click faster for your toddler by trying to volunteer on their behalf what they must give away. That just models a lack of boundaries by implying other people can take their stuff arbitrarily.
So, the next time you’re at a toddler meet-up, and you observe a squabble over the same toy, remember, rushed sharing can backfire. For now, your toddler most needs you to:
Protect their focus and reinforce that they can decide when they are done with an activity.
Show them how to wait turns when they want something that someone else has.
Mediate moments when they, or others, begin grabbing at an item that was not yet available.
What about prompting them to just play together?
Toddlers are in a stage of play called “parallel play,” meaning they can play side by side but are not yet capable of cooperatively sharing the same goal. So, insisting that they find a way to play together can overestimate their current skills. It’s normal for toddlers to be deeply focused on their own individual goals through play, and so learning to take turns is a meaningful way to teach social cues that they can actually use right now.