Whether or not Santa is “real” in your home is a personal call, but for those who play along with the Santa storyline – it can be unsettling to suddenly have your child interrogate you in search of the truth! “Is Santa real?” Of course, children often ask this seemingly out of nowhere – when you might feel least prepared!
Maybe you’ve landed on this article after responding to this question, wondering if your answer was, at least, mostly ok. Or, maybe you’re sensing that your child is catching onto the facts of Christmas and you’re looking for suggestions on how to transition from fantasy to reality.
It’s tricky because it is tricky! Especially when, developmentally speaking, children grasp reality before imaginary. So, if you introduced Santa from the start – they took this as fact! As their ability to imagine gets better over the years, (particularly ages 4+), they are more capable of questioning what is real – but they are also more capable of joining in the fantasy!
How you should respond is nuanced. Your own child’s temperament and your family values will be big things to factor in. So, here are two different ways you could respond. Pick the one that feels best for you!
The plain truth.
It’s okay to just be factual! This is not inherently “less magical.” Many families choose this route from the start. “Santa is a pretend person that families around the world play along with every Christmas. This stems from the story of someone named Saint Nicholas…”
Why many families like this route:
For older kids: School-age children may genuinely be pressed to understand and want the facts. Simply giving your big kid more information can solidify a strong bond, especially if you’re worried that they may be working hard to “pretend” to believe or they seem distressed by conflicting messages about it. It can be magical for big kids to join in the spirit of gift-giving traditions with a special “role” in which they help to play along with the Santa storyline for younger children around.
For younger kids: It can prevent confusion and worry, because under age 4, they don’t really have the cognitive capability to “fantasize.” Many families enjoy telling toddlers from the start that Santa is a pretend storyline so they don’t have to “break the news” at all later. While in the thick of the early years, this can be grounding for young children who otherwise find fantasy scary (A man breaking in our house at night, what?!)
Alternatively, some families do a combination approach: de-emphasize Santa in the very beginning, but grow into the fantasy side of it as their children get a little older and more capable of imagining on their own, too!
The neutral curiosity prompt.
Maybe you’re not convinced that your child is done enjoying the fantasy side of this Santa business. You can respond to their curiosity with neutral curiosity. “That’s a great question, what do YOU think?”
Take the time to gauge where they’re at. It’s okay to play along a little longer if your child is not showing signs of distress, frustration, or fear of the concept of Santa.
Playing into the fantasy side of this holiday tradition can remain respectful if both you and your child are genuinely having FUN – and you are not using Santa for inappropriate bribes that fear or shame children into “good” behaviors. Children should feel secure in that they are not “being watched for the naughty or nice list.”
In short, it’s possible to play along in a way that honors their stage and temperament. It’s also possible to share the truth in a way that honors their stage and temperament. Always make this decision in a way that feels best for your own family, rather than worrying about what other families will think. If you decide to loop your child in on the full truth, you can always have a conversation with them on:
Giving them an exciting new role around Christmastime in which they help with the gift shopping and wrapping!
Explaining to them how younger children or siblings may still be “believers,” and how it’s important not to tell them just yet – because that’s a special conversation reserved for parents.
Above all, don’t view this curiosity as a bad thing. It’s developmentally appropriate! Most kids start to seriously question Santa’s existence around age 8. This does not mean that the magic of the holiday stops. It just means you can start to include them in bigger and different ways.