Young children, particularly under the age of 4, can find character costumes in general quite scary. This is because of their cognitive capabilities – in these beginning years, they take what they see as fact. The line between real and imaginary is blurry, but it will sharpen as they approach kindergarten. Until then, you may notice that Halloween costumes in October, scarecrows in November, and Santa meet-and-greets in December may cause your child to feel confused or scared.
Does this mean you should avoid Santa altogether?
Not necessarily—and this may be impossible considering the sheer number of cultural references there are. Even just walking around your neighborhood in October can end in a frightening sight depending on how spooky some houses decide to decorate, or shopping in a grocery store in November can lead to a Santa encounter for local giving fundraisers. It is better to consider ways you can prepare and support your child through seasonal shifts they could encounter. Giving children more concrete information can have a very grounding effect where there is fear.
First, here are signs that your child may be feeling uneasy about Santa or character costumes in general:
Clingy
Agitated
Crying
Difficulty sleeping
It’s important to note that your child may not always show these signs of stress in the moment. They may have delayed reactions at home or upon bedtime as their brains work to process their day.
What to do proactively:
Introduce holidays and their many traditions through books with realistic photos. Avoid exposing your child only to your own family’s holidays; instead, show them holidays that they can expect to see celebrated all around the community.
Emphasize concrete information. You have years ahead of you to lean into the super abstract parts of the Santa story. Talk more about the real story of Saint Nicholas and explore common decorations and food people exchange. The facts will make more sense and help orient them to the physical changes they will see around them.
Prevent overstimulation, which can make Santa encounters worse when your child is already in a dysregulated state. Avoid overscheduling and try to maintain your child’s familiar routines around sleep, play, and eating.
Before going into a store, talk about it to your child. “We are going to Christmas tree decorations today. We will look for ornaments and candy canes. We might also see lots of other interesting things, such as Santa figurines. Some of the decorations may even move and make noises. These things are not real. They are just for decoration.”
If you are planning a Santa meet-and-greet, give specific prep. “We are going to the mall. There will be a lot of stores and new people! Many people will be going to meet Santa, a man who wears a bright red suit and has a white long beard! Our family is going to see him, too! We will take a photo together as a way to celebrate. Do you want to pretend to take a photo with Santa at home first?”
Do’s and Don’ts during a Santa encounter:
Do: Remain attuned to your child’s comfort level. If they exert stranger anxiety, stay close and reassuring for comfort in a tone of “We’re exploring together!”
Don’t Force your child to do more than they want to. If they are uncomfortable sitting on Santa’s lap, respect their boundaries and opt to join them in the photo so that your child can stay on your lap instead.
Do: Reflect back how they are feeling so they feel acknowledged, safe, and understood. “You are not so sure about meeting Santa. You are holding onto my leg and watching closely! It makes sense you prefer to watch since this is new.”
Don’t: Laugh or minimize their social reservations, which can trigger a tantrum because they feel invalidated and misunderstood. Minimizing could sound like, “There’s nothing to be scared of. It’s just Santa!”
Do: Keep the experience positive and neutral, and allow your child to be “slow to warm.” Model for your child how to greet Santa by taking the lead in talking to Santa and shaking his hand.
Don’t: Put your child on the spot by insisting they talk to or touch Santa. Avoid bribes and threats at all costs, which can fuel anxiety and confusion.
A bribe might sound like, “If you sit on Santa’s lap, you will get a new toy.” This teaches them to ignore their own body safety, which is likely the opposite of what you want to teach your child around who has access to their body.
A threat might sound like, “If you don’t sit on Santa’s lap for a photo, you might go on the naughty list. If that happens, you will not get any presents for Christmas.” While oddly normalized in the Santa storyline with songs even about this, this is manipulative and makes your child feel like love or positive attention is now conditional to their behavior. Children learn desirable prosocial behaviors, and this takes a lifetime of learning and maturity. They should never be punished or experience withheld love for needing time to learn these things.
Consider, too, how different people have different experience levels with children. Some Santa characters may help your child feel confident, while others may add pressure that backfires. Prepare to advocate for your child, and do not worry about people-pleasing other adults around.
“Oh! They are showing they are not ready to be held. We are comfortable standing, thank you.”
Remember, your child’s ability to imagine develops over years. You have time to grow into the pretend and fantasy side of Santa. It’s okay and often ideal to Introduce Santa incrementally and tweak the exposures and participation a little bit each year based on your bandwidth and your child’s comfort level.