In many circles, potty training has been normalized as a dreadful and high-stress experience. You may fear turning into the overwhelmed adult whose child is resistant to using the potty, constantly cleaning pee and poop on the floor, or picking up wrappers from your stash of bribery candy. Sound familiar?
Not only does this influence your emotional state and likely cause you to enter this transition with fear, but it can also underestimate the potential for this milestone to actually be collaborative— comprising a positive vibe that is important for your children to feel when navigating such a big leap in their functional independence!
Inevitably, potty training can involve some overwhelm, bloopers, and messes, but hurried timelines and unrealistic expectations can heighten stress and pressure and create a negative feedback loop.
Ditching diapers can be low-pressure, low-stress with just-right expectations and a few key mindset shifts:
It is not you vs. your child.You are not “training” your child more than you are supporting and guiding them in sync with their readiness. This is embraced under what’s dubbed “Potty Learning.” You and your child are a team, and achieving toilet independence is a learning journey. You’re working with your child—you’re not forcing them!
You don’t need bells, whistles, and bribery.Consider how young children are naturally motivated to learn and begin doing for themselves – this includes self-care! They are largely self-motivated to stay clean and dry, and the process of gaining more physical independence is inherently rewarding and meaningful to them. Sometimes, what makes potty training high-stress for parents is all the extra things we assume we need to do, like relying on extrinsic motivation tactics with reward systems, candy, or prizes. Often, this is not sustainable long-term, nor is it typically necessary. It can also override self-motivation by making it about getting something rather than letting it be about their skills.
Accidents will happen.If your child has been scaffolding related independence skills that help them use the potty, they may take to using the potty seemingly fast once you commit to ditching diapers. But this doesn’t mean there won’t be accidents. The earlier you prepare yourself to respond to accidents with a “no biggie” attitude, the better.
Basically, when you are collaborative and low-pressure about this transition, your child will mirror this energy. This can reduce power struggles, resistance, and stress, which in turn reduces the number of accidents!
So, deep breaths. Consider the encouraging tone you likely set when your little one began rolling, crawling, starting solid foods, and beginning to walk! Learning to use the toilet is another major milestone in their independence that benefits significantly from a cool, collected, patient grownup who is encouraging!
How do you know when it’s time to ditch the diapers?
Individual signs of readiness will vary by child, but there is a “prime time” window that falls between 18 - 36 months old. It’s valuable to pay attention to signs of readiness during this age range so that you don’t miss it! Working with the child’s “peak readiness” means you are also most likely to work with them when they are most motivated to learn these skills.
It’s important to understand the “journey” over “marathon” mindset discussed above. Building potty skills happens in stages—not all at once! So while you might start with self-dressing skills around 18 months and encourage their interest in bathroom routines overall, it doesn’t mean that they will be using the potty by the next weekend. Most children begin using the potty persistently closer to age 3.
“Precursor” skills to work on while still in diapers:
Motor skills:physically walking into the bathroom and accessing the sink for hand washing.
Self-dressing:how to pull up and down pants.
Modeling:if you’re comfortable, allow them to see you using the toilet.
Language:you can add social stories to your home library about how their bodies work and specifically about learning to use the toilet.
Narrate with neutrality:Be matter-of-fact about pee and poop. Avoid negative reactions to soiled diapers. “You are wet from pee. Let’s pull your pants down and change you.” Remember, poop is not “ewwww” or “gross!” This does not set them up to feel confident about going poop on the potty if they learn that poop is to be avoided.
Switch to stand-up diapering:While your toddler holds onto a rail or wall, they can participate in the steps of changing, which is important practice and exposure to eventually using the toilet themselves.
Signs enough skills have culminated to go ahead and ditch the diapers:
They are interested in the potty and bathroom
They can communicate awareness of needing to go
They have a greater desire to stay dry and clean
They have refined motor skills and can independently navigate the bathroom, change their pants and underwear, and wash their hands.