Ahh, the dreaded power struggle. It can feel like you are battling with your toddler all day. Living with a child in their toddler years can resemble living with a top negotiator or world-class lawyer. The delicate dance of when to dig your heels in the sand and when to let your child get what they are asking for is a tricky one. And, usually, this decision happens in real-time, on the cusp of big feelings.
First, pick your battles wisely (which is not permissive)
It’s important to find ways to let some things go, especially if you feel the power struggles are persistent and recurring, which is usually a red flag that you may be parenting by way of too much control. Picking your battles is not permissive when you pick your battles with intention, empathy, and consistency. This is the authoritative approach, an evidence-based parenting style that reduces stress for you and your little one and helps build a more positive and cooperative relationship. So, how do you decide what to stay firm on and when to give your child some say?
What battles to pick is a personal choice based on the values and rhythms of your family. But here are some key mindset shifts that can ease the tension at home:
Understand why toddlers push boundaries in the first place. While tiring, boundary-pushing is developmentally appropriate and important to their development. When your toddler engages in a back-and-forth around something they want, a limit you set, or a question you have asked, they are asserting their independence and building their autonomy. These “conflicts” actually help your little one build an understanding of the world around them. This is why it’s not helpful to parent by control, giving an automatic “because I said so.” Instead, by considering your child’s perspective and communicating yours, you are helping your child to problem solve, think creatively, and build confidence.
Remind yourself often:These are not actual “battles.” When we understand the why, as outlined above, we can put our defenses down and realize our toddler is not trying to create conflict; they’re trying to build skills and understand how things work.
When we think of every difference of opinion as a power struggle and something we will either win or lose, these interactions can feel tense and challenging. But if we come from a place of sturdiness, empathy, and patience, we can help our children learn to get their needs met, learn about compromise, practice flexibility, learn about decision-making, and learn to tolerate uncomfortable emotions such as disappointment and frustration.
To figure out which limits are non-negotiable, ask yourself questions related to safety, well-being, values, and habits that feel most important to your family. These can look different for each family. Here are some examples where no matter how much your child pushes the boundary, you will stick with the rule:
sitting while eating
sitting in a car seat
wearing a seat belt/five-point harness
sleeping in your own bed
screen time on weekends only
brushing teeth in the morning and evening
20 minutes of daily quiet time
ways we treat others
When something is non-negotiable, it should be enforced consistently and by all the adults who care for your child.
Once you’ve got your list of non-negotiables, you can take other “power struggles” case by case. Consider if your toddler is pushing back because they are ready for slightly more inclusion, independence, and responsibility. Let’s say you are rushing your child out the door and putting their shoes and jacket on for them, and they start to push back. In this case, it may not make sense to plow forward and force them to bundle up according to how you want them to dress. Letting them physically begin dressing themselves and determining how many layers they feel they need – within reason proportionate to the weather – is a great example of reducing control in a way that is not permissive but developmentally appropriate.
In short, if the “push back” is not harmful (even though possibly annoying), it may be worth letting it pass or using it as a chance to scaffold increased independence skills that allow your toddler to take on more steps of their day.
Final tips from our expert team:
Avoid giving attention to undesirable behaviors, which can actually prolong them. Many behaviors you want to change will pass with time and maturity.The more you draw attention to some behaviors, the more your toddler will want to do them—for example, potty talk. When your child is about 3 or 4, they are going to think words like poop, butt, and pee are just hilarious. Of course, we don’t want our children screaming these words in public! But finding a time and place to allow this behavior will lessen its thrill, so it’s not a constant battle.
Let go of perfectionism. Not every moment needs to be a teaching moment. Does it conflict with any non-negotiable rules or safety concerns?
Offering choices can help to move forward in certain contexts, so long as the choices are meaningful to your toddler (because toddlers will see right through frivolous choices). Here are some examples: allowing your child to pick out their clothes (even if they don’t match); choosing how they want to play, color, and build (even if it’s not the way you might); having breakfast foods at dinner time (if your child has a say in what their meals look like). These all tend to be very meaningful and confidence-boosting to your toddler.
Be consistent with the rules that you set. If you have different rules every day, then everything will feel like a battle because your little one will not know what to expect. Pushing back is their way of making order out of what feels chaotic.
Use positive framing. Tell your little one what they CAN do versus things they CAN’T do. Instead of “don’t run!” try “walking feet!” Instead of “No! Don’t touch the remote!” try “the remote is closed! Do you want to read books or play with your blocks?”
So, be firm and consistent – but not without a listening ear and a genuine commitment to consider your toddler’s behaviors as key communication. Young toddlers (and even babies!) have preferences and are capable of making choices. What might feel insignificant to you most definitely feels significant to them. When we can honor our kids' requests and let them have appropriate choices throughout the day, we are paving the way for children who are confident to ask for what they need and who can eventually tolerate not getting what they want.