Holiday gatherings and feasts can be exciting but also overwhelming for children. Changes in schedules, expectations, and interactions cumulatively throw off their sense of order, leading to uncertainty, overstimulation, and some tricky feelings and behaviors. This often leaves you, as the parent, feeling doubtful, beginning a cycle of stress that can cause your parenting style to be a bit more reactive. This change can add fuel to the fire because it’s more uncertainty thrown at our children.
Remember, your children are not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time. Here are three ways to stay grounded through the tricky moments (which almost always seem to surface at the family gathering).
Be their advocate -Well-meaning relatives may encourage your child to eat everything on their plate, sit by someone they don't know well, or exchange gestures of affection like hugs and tickles without consent. As their advocate, it’s important to remind others to respect your child’s bodily autonomy by allowing them to partake at their pace and comfort level, helping them feel safe and respected rather than minimized and pushed around. We teach children respect by being respectful. Forcing merely teaches blind obedience and implies it’s okay for other adults to have control over – and access to – their bodies. So, while it can feel awkward to tell your relatives to give your child more time and space, it comes down to body safety, which is not a lesson to take lightly when it comes to your kid.
Be the keeper of time -Being the keeper of time for your core family is a major way to minimize holiday stress on your little one. When holiday meals, parties, or outings happen later than usual or at hours when your child is used to downtime, it's perfectly fine to set boundaries and say, “No, not this year.” This doesn’t make you rigid. Other people can’t possibly know what’s too much for your children, so be mindful that you’re not saying “yes” just to please others. More to do does not always equate to more joy; this is typically true for both kids and adults!
Be their guide -This is easy to overlook because holiday parenting involves a heavy mental load, in which we’re always thinking and planning. But don’t forget to share some of that planning outwardly and explicitly with your children. Talk to them about that holiday gathering before it comes. Who will be there? What will it be like? What can they do while there? Are there any social courtesies that are super duper important? If so, what are they, and have you invited your child to practice those manners AHEAD of time? For example, if you expect your child to say “please” and “thank you,” have you practiced and modeled it at home?
Children don’t automatically know what “be polite” or “use your manners” means. Practicing these manners ahead of time, through joyful role play, sets them up for success. Practice also makes it easier to reinforce in the moment, because a simple verbal reminder at the gathering, like, “We come to the table once a meal is served,” will be received so much better when they’ve had a chance to prep as opposed to feeling like it’s a brand new rule.
Supporting your child during holiday gatherings not only makes the experience smoother for them but also helps them positively develop social skills. If you take anything away from this piece, remember your three biggest roles will be to prepare your child, advocate for your child, and protect downtime buffers.