It’s essential to be cognizant of the mental load to periodically evaluate how to best share the work of parenting. Staying ahead of it can prevent burnout and resentment by supporting the family’s overall sense of connection, respect, and well-being.
What exactly is the “mental load?”
The mental load is the collective weight of all the small and large tasks that must be managed to keep a household running smoothly. These tasks include grocery shopping, meal planning, scheduling doctor's appointments, organizing children's activities, remembering birthdays, and much more. While these responsibilities are often shared between couples, studies have shown that mothers tend to bear the brunt of it.
As the term implies, it entails mental tasks that are often invisible
It helps to think of this as more than physical tasks. When picking up milk at the store, the mental load includes noticing that the milk was running low in the first place and being the one to remember that more is needed. This is why it is often not helpful to tackle the mental load by expecting one partner to merely delegate what needs to be done.
Sharing the mental load means both partners commit to initiating various tasks—thinking, noticing, planning, and researching, not just executing them.
Why does the mental load disproportionately affect mothers?
Historical gender roles have long dictated that women are primarily responsible for the domestic sphere. These roles have lingering impacts. Even in dual-working dynamics where women and men are both pursuing careers, working moms often still disproportionately handle childcare and house care.
Further, since these tasks are often invisible, they’re easy to overlook by the other partner, who may otherwise want the same thing—a balanced parenting relationship. They just may not be aware of how these systematic norms impact things.
Expert strategies for sharing the mental load
Start by openly and honestly conversing with your partner about the mental load. Create awareness of what is invisible!
Make a list of tasks and responsibilities and divide them based on each person's strengths and preferences. Be specific! The card game, Fair Play, is a fun and creative way to delegate.
Utilize technology to streamline and share tasks. Apps for planning, grocery shopping, and calendar management can ensure that responsibilities are evenly distributed and visible. Cozi, Share(d), and Maple are a few to consider!
Don't hesitate to seek outside help if necessary. This could include hiring a babysitter, house cleaner, or therapist to alleviate some of the mental load.
Once you’ve addressed the mental load in your relationship, check in regularly to prevent it from falling to the wayside over time. It’s an ongoing challenge but one that can be effectively managed with proactive communication.