It’s a conundrum, isn’t it? Your first-born or older children got promoted to big sibling, then they suddenly began acting out or regressing to more baby-like behaviors. This can happen during the anticipatory period of waiting for the new baby, but it most often occurs in the aftermath of bringing the baby home. This is normal, but let’s break it down further below.
Tantrums
Toddlers and young children often struggle to articulate their emotions effectively because they’re still learning what emotions are, how to communicate, and what they can do to cope. Until they gain these life skills – which even most of us adults are still working on– they often express themselves through behaviors that seem more intense, like tantrums. Tantrums are typical reactions in children under the age of 5 and are considered a healthy, normal part of child development. Even if your child seems to be growing out of tantrums, big life transitions like a new baby can be a trigger.
Your move: Support your child through big feelings and tantrums by remembering your “in the moment” vs. “out of the moment” strategies.
In-the-moment: When children are actively upset, their brains are in a reactive state, and they cannot listen or learn. Your job is to be a safe space. This will look different for every parent and child. Some children may want a hug to co-regulate, others may want physical space. Some may feel comforted by your words; others may want quiet. What you’re not going to do is add fuel to their fire by getting loud, scary, or punitive. When they escalate, the only way to de-escalate is to embody calm.
Out-of-the-moment: When children are regulated, they can reasonably listen and learn from you. These are the times to talk about emotions, name them, validate them, and discuss what behaviors are OK and which are not. Certainly, don’t forget how impactful your coping skills are; They’re watching what you do when you’re overwhelmed, not just listening to what you say is ideal.
Aggression
Hitting, biting, or even, “I hate you’s!” can happen and do not reflect your parenting skills or your child’s character. Aggressive behaviors, albeit unsettling, are related to:
transition of the family dynamic
dysregulation
big feelings
Young children may unravel in undesirable ways while they’re still very much learning what coping skills are available to them; And, young children cannot often find their words when they are having big feelings, which results in using hands or hurtful words.
Your move: Similar to tantrums – focus on modeling calm in the immediacy of an outburst. Create separation to ensure everyone’s body safety. Once the heated moment cools down, talk about anger and frustration. Separate the feeling (anger, jealousy, frustration) from the behavior (hitting, biting, yelling). You can try role-playing with a baby doll or stuffed animal, where a pretend scenario involves getting mad and figuring out what to do instead of hitting, kicking, biting, or yelling! Children learn effectively through play, which supports their overall social-emotional development. There are also social stories available that you can add to your children’s bookshelves, such as “Hands are Not For Hitting,” and “Voices are Not for Yelling.”
Regressions
Older siblings can also show setbacks in milestones related to their functional independence as they adjust to a new baby in the home. Maybe you’ve noticed them return to thumb-sucking, or they are starting to wet or soil themselves even though they’ve been toilet trained. Or, maybe they’re suddenly asking you to “hold them like a baby!”
One of the primary reasons for regressive behaviors is the disruption in the child's routine and sense of security brought about by major life changes. These changes can trigger feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and a need for your reassurance and connection. It’s their way of saying, “I still need you, too. Will you still be here for me?”
Your role: Acknowledge your child's feelings and validate their experiences, even if you can't always meet their demands or expectations immediately. “I see that you really want to be cuddled right now, just like baby is being cuddled. That makes sense you would want time with me too. I need to finish feeding baby first, then I will snuggle you next!” When you reassure them of your love and support, it replenishes their need for connection and confidence. And where there is confidence, there can be more independence.
The ray of light: These behaviors can be challenging but are temporary and often a part of the natural developmental process. In fact, many of these behaviors are typical during the early years apart from big transitions, meaning your children may have gone through this rough patch anyway, regardless of the new baby’s arrival.
Focusing on self-care can help you stay cool and collected as much as possible and help your children navigate setbacks with grace and growth. And, if you lose it and react to your older child in a way that you wish you didn’t – for instance raising your voice – there is always room for repair. We don’t have to be perfect parents always prepped with the perfect response. The ability to apologize to your child and show humility goes a long way. For instance, when the moment is calm you might say, “Mommy got very frustrated too, and I used a loud voice. That was a little scary for both of us. I’m sorry. I am working on staying calm. I love you.”