We’ve all heard of the “Terrible Twos” and maybe even the dreaded “Threenagers.” How do we teach these tiny terrors to use manners and feel gratitude? If we don’t get them to show these behaviors now (gulp), are they destined to act like the entitled, bratty cast of Gossip Girl?
In all seriousness, manners are skills that develop across the early childhood years (and beyond). Many parents feel as though they are trying but failing at instilling socially acceptable behavior in their children when, in fact, their toddlers are acting in developmentally appropriate ways.
For many reasons, toddlers do not spontaneously use “please” or “thank you” or express gratitude. Among them and on a high level, toddlers are still at the very beginning stages of developing:
Physical and emotional regulation
Executive function and working memory
Theory of Mind
Here are some other reasons you should keep in mind:
Short attention spans, emerging autonomy, and underdeveloped impulse control: Attention can be short during toddlerhood, as children's needs and impulses are paramount. This is a time when children are exploring autonomy and control, pushing boundaries, and experimenting with cause and effect. Toddlers are at the mercy of intense emotions that they feel and often express physically. Pulling themselves together in the moment to “perform” manners is not always an easy ask.
Learning social courtesies is big work on top of learning emotions (and everything else in their world). Tantrums are common, and the ability to process language is not always consistent. Although toddlers’ brains are developing at astounding rates, they are still very much works in progress. Something like working memory - one example of which would be the ability to retain language in mind and then follow those directions - impacts a child’s ability to use “manners words” in “manners situations.” Additionally, a child would need the cognition to recognize and generalize which kinds of situations require such language and behavior.
Furthermore, toddlers are still developing something called Theory of Mind, which is the ability to understand that another person has feelings and experiences that are different from one’s own. Without Theory of Mind, a toddler does not have the cognition to understand the reason for manners or to feel gratitude. They simply are not ready to connect the impact of their behavior on another person or recognize altruistic behavior in others. So, although it is obvious to us, toddlers do not yet connect words like “please” and “thank you” to a concept like gratitude.
This means that during the toddler years we can support our children by working on the social, emotional, and cognitive building blocks that will pave the way for manners and gratitude in the future.
Here are some tips for how to support the building blocks of manners and gratitude for toddlers:
Model the behavior you wish to see. Toddlers love to observe and imitate, so one way to begin teaching them basic manners is to demonstrate them yourself in daily life. If your child hands you a block while you are building a tower, you might say, “Oh, a block. Thank you!”
Link your child’s behavior to an outcome. “Wow, you helped Mommy get the clothes in the washer. What a big help! Thank you. That made me so happy.”
Link your child’s response to someone else’s action. “You liked playing with the stickers at Grandma’s house. Look how many she gave you to keep! That was so generous of her! You are smiling!!”
Rephrase your toddler’s requests, but don’t require that they repeat the restated words in the moment. If your toddler demands, “More bananas!” you can say, “More bananas, please. Thank you for telling me you are still hungry.”
Concern about manners often has more to do with adult worry
Being a parent can make us feel very vulnerable! Learning to adjust our expectations is an important first step. Once we accept that there may be a mismatch between toddler development and societal expectations of manners, it can be helpful to have a strategy to make living with a toddler in public feel more comfortable! “Speaking for” your toddler is a powerful way to do this.
When you speak for your toddler, you can model language and behavior. When someone gives them a gift, for example, pause and see what language they use. If they are having difficulty finding the words you can give them the language. You might say to them: “You can say to grandma ‘thank you for the stickers!’” Your child may or may not repeat your words in the moment. It is important to note that young children learn through repetition and will need to observe, hear, and experience something many times before they internalize and make meaning of it.
Manners, of course, are about more than just “pleases” and "thank yous.” The end goal is for our children to be positive and giving members of their communities who understand that their actions affect others.