“But mommy, I need another hug!” Or, “Daddy, I’m thirsty!” The first time your child gets back out of bed after you’ve just tucked them in, it can be easier to maintain composure than the third, fourth, or fifth time. As your stress elevates, it often makes things worse for them, too. Why does this happen, and what can you try?
Why it’s hard for children to stay in their beds
Before considering how to respond to these repeat risings, it helps to empathize with common root causes.
Nighttime separation anxiety:Separation anxiety ebbs and flows in the early years; it’s not just a baby thing. Further, it commonly surfaces at night because sleeping in their bed is viewed as another separation from you. They may not outwardly say, “I miss you,” but they may be getting out to find you for this exact reason.
Testing boundaries:Toddlers are known for testing boundaries and asserting their independence, which may manifest as getting out of bed repeatedly. This can happen when there has been a change to their sleep environment, like a recent transition from their crib. Or, if there’s been a change to routine or within the family – they may be sorting out, “Is it actually true that this is where I sleep now? Are mom and dad sure that I can’t stay up with them a little longer? I’m going to see just how firm they are on this…”
Impulse control is still developing:Impulse control refers to the ability to resist immediate urges or impulses in favor of long-term goals or expectations. This skill doesn’t really come “online” for them until age 3-4, and even then, consider that it’s a brand new skill that will take well into early adulthood to mature. In this context, it’s really, really hard for a young child to resist the ability to get up from bed, even though they know it is time to rest.
What you can do about all of this
Be proactive about quality time to keep separation anxiety at bay. This can include gestures like:
Putting your phone down while you’re tucking them, which creates a solid 10-minute window of your undivided attention.
Asking them fun survey questions to spark meaningful conversation during bedtime tuck-in.
Giving them a comfort object that reminds them of you. This can be a photo of you right next to their bed, a teddy bear with a little voice recording of you, or even the sweater you might love to wear that has your familiar scent on it!
Be warm but firm with boundaries around bedtime. Put a cap on how many times they are allowed to get out of bed. For example, you can give them “two passes” to get back out for water or an extra hug. During those two passes, be warm and responsive! If they come out a third time, quietly and quickly guide them back to bed. Over time, they will associate that mom and dad mean business once those two passes are up and that it really is time to rest.
Remember that your toddler is not trying to be manipulative; their impulse control is underdeveloped. Further, nighttime is a major separation from you, so they may struggle with anxiety about bedtime as a result. Add major changes, like a new sibling, weaning from a pacifier, or getting a “big kid” bed, and the worry for them piles on even higher.
In short, it’s hard for anyone of any age to sleep when worried. So, the best thing we can do is ask ourselves, “Is how I’m responding going to fuel their worry? Or is it likely to ease their worry?” By remaining calm, connected, and reassuring – not loud or punitive – you can better move past this season of bedtime stalling.