Separation anxiety can rear its head at any time, even in familiar environments and even after the first few weeks of school. Many toddlers begin daycare happily and then begin to protest weeks or even months into the school year.
Why?
Young toddlers, in particular, are starting to understand consistent routines and may be able to predict separations. Sometimes, once the novelty and excitement of beginning school or daycare have worn off, separation suddenly feels harder for them.
Also, between 13-18 months, it is very common to see a resurgence of separation anxiety (and, again, around the age of two). Toddlers at this stage know that their grown-ups exist when they can’t see them. They can “hold you in mind,” but they do not know for sure that you will return. So, if your toddler is worried about separation, you may need to slow down and offer repeated reassurance about when you will come back.
Here are some ways you can support your toddler with separation anxiety year-round:
Check in with your toddler’s teachers.
They should be able to tell you if they have noticed a change in behavior. Sometimes, children behave one way at home and another way at school. This is not uncommon! They can let you know if there are certain times of day or particular transitions that are challenging for your little one. They can also let you know how they are managing your child’s feelings, and you can do the same. Find out whether communicating via email, text, or even a notebook in your child’s cubby is best. This new phase of separation anxiety will need action on two fronts: home and school.
Return to previous separation strategies.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings and keep to reliable goodbye routines at school. Never sneak out. Even if it seems to reduce tears or protests in the short term, sneaking out can create feelings of insecurity, distrust, and increased vigilance that interfere with a child's ability to enjoy their classroom.
Try to be consistent with your language around separations at home and school. “Mommy is going to work. She will see you at bathtime! Mommy is going away and Mommy will come back.” or “Mommy is going to work! She will see you at pick up time. Teacher Kelly will take care of you and keep you safe.” Your toddler’s caregivers can help by mirroring your language. “You are really wondering about Mommy. Mommy is at work. Mommy will come back at pick up time.”
Remember that reunions are a part of separations and that using similar language at goodbye and hello can help cement the idea that the loved ones come back: “Mommy went away to work, and mommy came back!”
Try a visual schedule so your child knows what days are school days and who will pick them up. A copy of this schedule can live in your child’s cubby for easy reference.
A classroom album of peers and teachers that exists both at home and school is a wonderful way to bridge both environments. Say hello or goodnight to teachers or peers as part of your daily routine together.
Two books to love: “You Go Away,” by Dorothy Corey, and “Owl Babies,” by Martin Wadell.
Play games that mimic separation, like peek-a-boo or hide and seek, either with objects or people, to the degree your toddler is able.
Separation - and stranger anxiety - often co-occur and are both developmental phases that ebb and flow throughout early childhood. Healthy separation can be fostered by consistent routines and reliable language that you and their other caregivers build around separation and reunion.