Attention seeking behaviors can feel like destructive behaviors, such as throwing food and toys, whining, hitting, or grabbing. It can feel alarming when your toddler does this, but rest assured it’s a normal part of development. “Attention-seeking” is typically a reflection of your child trying to assert more independence or tell you something - something they cannot yet fully articulate due to under-developed language skills.
Here’s how to help your child when you suspect attention-seeking:
First, try to identify the triggers. Pay attention to the circumstances surrounding your child’s behavior - hunger, exhaustion and overstimulation can trigger unwanted behavior. When you understand what’s behind the behavior, you can address and support the root cause versus focusing solely on the behavior.
Here are specific ways to respond in moments of undesirable behaviors:
Avoid big reactions. Any attention, even negative attention, can actually reinforce the behavior instead of stopping it. For instance, if your child is throwing food off the table, you might say, “I think you’re telling me you are done with dinner. You can tell mommy ‘all done’ instead of “stop throwing!”
Praise your child when you catch them doing something more desirable, like playing quietly or eating without throwing food. “I noticed you playing so quietly while mommy finished talking to daddy. Thank you!” Avoid saying “good” or “bad” because those terms are vague and can mean different things in different environments.
Try a special signal. Once children turn about 3 years old, it’s helpful to give them a tactile or visual signal for when they need attention. This could be a thumbs up or a certain phrase. This will let you know that they are struggling and need your help. If you can give them the support soon after, it will help reinforce getting your attention in positive ways.
Create special time. Spend one-on-one time with your toddler often, even if it’s just for a few minutes each day. This dedicated attention can help fulfill their need for connection and reduce attention-seeking behaviors.
Redirection helps here too! If they are throwing blocks and looking to you for a reaction you can calmly say, “Blocks are for building. Should we build or go read books?” If your little one continues to throw blocks, you can say, “It looks like building is too tricky right now. Let’s read and we can try again soon.”
Toddlers know when we are busy, trying to get something done, or need a moment. It’s when they seem to need us most. If you need a moment, let your toddler know, give them something to do, and equip them with a way to be close to you. For example, “mommy is going to make a phone call. You can either play with your cars or your dolls. If you need mommy, put your hand on my leg so I know.”