“You can’t pour from an empty cup” has never been more true than in new parenthood. It can feel difficult to truly ground yourself under the heavy demands of caring for a baby, but prioritizing emotion regulation is crucial.
Emotion regulation is an essential part of our wellbeing
It refers to our ability to manage and respond to emotions effectively, ensuring a balanced and stable emotional state. When your baby can’t yet regulate their own emotions, you’re now responsible for managing your own emotions while helping your baby regulate theirs. It’s hard because it is hard!
Self-regulation: Independently regulating oneself back to a state of calm, such as taking deep breaths to work through a worry.
Co-regulation: two or more people help each other return to calm, such as breathing together to work through a worry.
Co-regulation is heavily needed in infancy and throughout childhood. It is what lays the groundwork for self-regulation, but these are not mutually exclusive between childhood and adulthood. Children will use both, and we, as adults, will use both.
Regulating emotions is hard, and our children are new at it
Research has shown that the ability to self-regulate is closely related to executive function skills, such as one’s ability to plan and follow through on that plan. Ages 3-7 are thought to be prime times to practice self-regulation and executive function skills, but even we as adults can struggle with these skills.
So, what can you do to help ground yourself more first?
Get curious and reflect on patterns.Sometimes, the things that trigger us relate to childhood traumas. This can feel heavy, but acknowledging triggers is important to help us heal, unlearn, and relearn better ways of handling things. Therapy and counseling can help; It will be hard to acknowledge what we’re feeling if we were not validated as children.
Establish routines with time for calm.Create consistent daily routines that provide a sense of stability. Take note of “witching hours,” and ask yourself what you can proactively do to add calm beforehand, such as lighting some candles and playing soothing music.
Lean on others.It should go without saying, but modern-day parenting often reinforces the notion of doing it all, all at the same time. You may have to actively reject these pressures and challenge yourself to speak up when you need to step away, regroup, and honor your capacity.
Prioritize self-care.Whether it's a short walk, reading a book, or practicing mindfulness, these moments contribute to emotional balance.
Consider your sensory needs.Sometimes, we grow disregulated because we aren’t in tune with our body’s sensory needs and aren’t doing things proactively to keep our body regulated. Check out Dr. Brooke Weinstein, who specializes in emotion regulation and nervous system regulation.
Emotion regulation is a crucial life skill that we won’t be perfect at, but we shouldn't give up on. Learning how to better process our emotions directly helps our babies learn to process theirs.