Fostering positive grandparent relations can take work! Unsolicited advice is one of the biggest reasons for conflict or tension between new parents and grandparents. Grandparent involvement can be a beautiful and supportive thing to welcome, but It can present a tricky dynamic for a few reasons:
Grandparents may struggle to see you as the parent when you’ve been their son or daughter. It can be tricky to grow into new roles in established relationships.
Grandparents may approach caregiving with a different style than you do. Sometimes, this may be okay, but other times, it may cross a boundary.
Collectively, growing together often just needs time. Confidently identifying boundaries and then communicating them to grandparents is essential. Try not to fear the idea of setting boundaries; a lack of them often leads to resentment and, ultimately, distance. Remember, boundaries are not designed to keep people out—with people you love, they are designed to bring you closer.
Embracing grandparent wisdom, even if it’s sometimes unsolicited, can end up being supportive when it:
Is respectfully shared
Helps you feel less isolated
Builds your confidence and ultimately empowers you as the parent
Includes you in cultural and family traditions that add meaning and identity to your growing family
Grandparent wisdom can be disempowering when it:
Is delivered in a way that makes you feel incompetent
Makes you feel protective of your child because they aren’t able to support in ways that feel safe and loving to you
Plants doubt or casts judgment
Repeats potentially harmful patterns or toxic cycles passed down by generations
It can help to plan for some inevitable disagreements; child-rearing best practices have changed quite a bit in a short amount of time. Part of this is due to a noteworthy increase in child development research that has shifted advice even from medical providers. A great example of this is on starting solid foods – which pediatricians used to advise very early, between 2 and 4 months old. We now know that this is typically harmful, which is why current guidelines ask parents to wait until baby is about six months old.
For grandparents who remember the outdated advice, supporting a new way of approaching milestones can be confusing and difficult. It may also generate feelings of insecurity, sparking them to wonder if they “messed up.” Sometimes, this doubt can surface as unsupportive commentary that has nothing to do with you – and everything to do with themselves.
On the contrary, grandparents who are respectful, loving, and responsive to your children can generate feelings of insecurity or frustration in you, especially if they did not offer you the same style of care during your childhood. It’s normal to feel jealous of the positive relationship they are giving to your children that you once longed for.
All of these complex dynamics and emotions can influence how you show up as a parent. It’s essential to periodically check in with yourself and your partner and talk about how the relationship with grandparents is making you feel. If it is causing tension, conflict, or stress, it is worth confronting so that you can advocate for what you may need, set boundaries that can help, and let your feelings simply be heard and validated.
With guidance, you can foster strong grandparent relations in time. Try not to be discouraged if this doesn’t come immediately. In the same way that becoming a parent was a huge identity shift for you, the same can be said of going from parent to grandparent. If you are concerned that the relationship is becoming toxic, it’s okay to create boundaries that provide space between you. There are also counselors and therapists who specialize in family matters.