As your toddler navigates more social experiences and joins you in birthday and holiday festivities, it’s common to wonder if inviting them to choose a gift for someone they love is realistic. Will getting them involved in the process of thinking about someone else promote generosity? Can they understand the concept of giving?

Like most social and emotional skills, you can model the desirable traits you wish to instill as early as you want – but understand that earlier introductions won’t necessarily speed up their cognition.

Generosity is an advanced skill!

It requires empathy and “theory of mind,” which doesn’t begin to “turn on” until around 4 years old. Theory of mind is the ability to understand that others have thoughts, feelings, and perspectives different from one's own. Before your child can grasp this, it is typical that when prompted to shop for someone else – your toddler will be thinking of things they want, because it is just not within their wheelhouse to consider what someone else may wish for.

Inviting your toddler or preschooler into the gift-giving process is still valuable

Social-emotional and cognitive skills are not light switches that turn on and stay on abruptly. So, there is no need to shield your child from traditions that represent generosity simply because they are under 4. Even if they can’t yet think of someone else’s wishes when gift shopping, they still absorb and learn from seeing your process! Being a positive role model is invaluable; it plants precursor skills that build a foundation for social-emotional literacy to bloom over time!

Understanding the limitations of their capabilities, though, can help you refine how you include them. You can give more weight to narrating your thought process rather than open-endedly insisting they pick something out for their friend.

You can also encourage “imitative generosity”

Empathy and theory of mind are a cumulation of skills over years. They require two main parts:

It’s possible to see early inklings of these foundational perspectives starting to make sense for your child. Your child may also show interest in gifting to someone else because they like to copy what they see – they’re imitating the kind gestures you do, and they might also enjoy the praise they receive during the gift exchange. So, even though it is not authentically about the other person’s experience, it is an important part of your child’s experience! By observing you and having a chance to partake, they are building themselves up and acclimating to the social courtesies around them.