First, what does it even mean to spoil a child? Usually, when we as parents are worried about this, it relates to gratitude. We want to raise children who appreciate the things they are fortunate to receive. It’s a worthwhile value!
However, developing the ability to feel grateful is a complex process for a toddler or preschooler. It requires the cognitive skill known as “theory of mind,” or the ability to understand someone else’s perspective. Until that kicks in ( around age 4), it’s hard for them to receive a gift and be able to appreciate the intent behind it. “Oh wow, that was so nice of you to think of me and to remember that I love chocolate!”
Further, as adults, we have advanced social skills to express gratitude even if we honestly didn’t want chocolate. “Thank you so much for this sweet gesture!”
To the young child, opening a gift is centered around the gift. They may be quite absorbed in the “what,” which is related to their development – not a deficit in gratitude! Further, they may open a gift and be a little too honest because they don’t have advanced social skills, either! When asked if they like something, they may give a blunt, “No.” In fact, the ability to lie is also a more advanced cognitive skill!
This is important to consider because if you overestimate your child’s emotional capabilities, you may worry more than you need to. A toddler or preschooler who appears self-absorbed is not being rude or ungrateful. The concept of being kind and courteous is quite abstract and requires time and practice.
However, just because those seemingly self-absorbed moments are typical doesn’t mean you can’t start modeling or teaching prosocial behaviors. Prosocial behaviors are those moments that are voluntary, kind, and empathetic. “Walking the talk” with kids is critical! If you want to instill gratitude and empathy in your child, be consistently empathetic! Focus more on how you are behaving in everyday interactions than how your toddler is behaving. They are actively learning, slowly but surely, from the example you set.
What about the number of gifts? Could quantity alone “spoil” a child?
It’s not the act of getting stuff that could lead to a lack of appreciation. A lack of appreciation despite maturity level is more likely due to what behaviors are holistically modeled over time.
Year-round, it’s valuable to model:
Caring for your belongings in the home. Respect your stuff!
Intentional shopping. Include children in your thought process, and find opportunities to help them make connections between what they see in the store and how it actually got there. For example, let them meet small business owners on a downtown stroll, or take them to a “you pick” farm where they can see how their favorite fruits and veggies are grown in the land.
Repurposing items when applicable, modeling the importance of minimizing waste.
Scaffolding financial literacy with age. Avoid giving children a scarcity mindset by implying you don’t have money for things, and instead frame it as “let’s make a plan to save money for that going forward.”
Quality time and togetherness. Avoid buying toys as a way to show affection to children and remember that giving them your presence is the ultimate gift. If children don’t get much attention or connection time, but they get lots of praise and excitement with gifts, then they will understandably grow to seek the “stuff.” Let toys be the icing on the cake, not the main bridge.
In sum, doting your child with presents as part of your family’s winter holiday traditions is not inherently a “setback” to teaching gratitude, generosity, or kindness. As long as you do not lose sight of positive role modeling and quality time, it’s a beautiful and fortunate exchange. Enjoy it!