As parents, we pour a lot of thought and time into preparing our kids for life transitions, but often overlook the impact change has on our lives. Transitions can be equally challenging for us parents!
Your feelings can take up space, too
You may experience anxiety about the unknown, sadness about leaving behind a familiar routine, or stress about new responsibilities. These feelings are valid, yet we might overlook or try to suppress them in an effort to “be strong” for our children. Holding space to teach our children how to navigate their day-to-day must be complemented by holding space for ourselves. It’s okay to:
Welcome a range of emotions from yourself.
Accept those feelings, talk about them, and let your children see you work through them.
Of course, there is nuance; big reactions without healthy coping skills can end up heightening our kids’ worries. We can share our emotions without making children feel like it’s their job to restore calm in the family. It can help to remember it this way: you are their sturdy leader through times of change, and you are also human. It’s okay for your kids to see your hard moments, but they are never responsible for fixing them.
Finding your coping skills
When you shift your mood from impatience to patience at a traffic light, you’re modeling self-regulation. When you run out of a kitchen ingredient needed for dinner and find a Plan B, you’re modeling flexible thinking. When you apologize to your partner after an argument, you’re modeling conflict resolution. Riding the ups and downs of life’s transitions brings plentiful opportunities to model emotional acceptance and coping skills like this!
Maybe you have separation anxiety about your child starting preschool. You don’t have to hide it. You can say, “I’m feeling sad and happy at the same time about this shift in our routine, too!”
Maybe you are heartbroken after the loss of a family pet. You can cry, too.
Maybe you are overwhelmed with moving to a new home. You can admit to your children that it’s a whirlwind for you, too!
Now, here’s the thing: No parent can be 100 percent on their “best game” all of the time. Allow yourself to aim for around 60 to 80 percent of the time being on “your A-game.” This goal can help you reach higher ground – as we are always learning and refining things like stress management – but it also frees you of the pressure to be perfect, which can then produce guilt or shame. There will be times when you lose your patience, say the “wrong” thing, or need to come back around to reflect, repair, and try to do better next time. Embrace that as a normal part of the process – because it is.
Self-care is foundational
To reach for healthy coping skills that can comprise our “A-game,” we have to start with self-care. We must prioritize it and understand that it comes in many different forms – mental, spiritual, financial, physical, and social. These forms of self-care may be more “cup-filling” to us in some seasons over others, so stay curious and figure out what daily choices are the ones that help you feel like the best version of yourself. Maybe getting out and having friend time helps you the most (social self-care). Maybe it’s little rituals, like remembering to have your morning coffee hot and doing that shower and skincare regimen (practical self-care). A yoga class, short meditation, or walk outside listening to a podcast (physical self-care).
Above all, remember that self-care is small things that often support your well-being. Finding time for self-care can can feel overwhelming or frivolous. It’s not! It’s essential to work with your support team (partner, friend, grandparents, childcare) to plan for ways for everyone to get the self-care they need.
How does this relate to coping with change? Transitions are generally draining, so you may be more prone to dysregulation during times of change. By focusing on the basics and remembering to nurture your mind and body, you’ll be able to face the inevitable stressors of change with a little more resilience.