Navigating death and loss can be among the hardest transitions to support our children through. What can universally make these experiences tricky for young kids has to do with their cognitive capabilities: time is a bit abstract to them, and they may also struggle to grasp the permanency of things.
Death
It’s normal to expect your child to ask many questions about death and its implications, sometimes repeatedly, as they try to make sense of the situation. It's crucial to provide honest but age-appropriate answers, offer plenty of reassurance and affection, and maintain routines to give children a sense of stability and security during this difficult time.
What makes for “age appropriate” conversation?
Avoid colloquialisms, such as “they are now resting,” “They closed their eyes and went to sleep,” or “They crossed the rainbow bridge.” While it might feel softer to frame death in this way, it can actually be scary and confusing for young children who take this information literally. For example, they may even grow to fear sleep: “What if we don’t wake up?” As such, it’s best to be clear and specific—talk in more factual terms.
“They died. This means their body stopped working. They may not be comfortable discussing death yet. Remind your child that it's normal for them and others to experience a range of emotions during the grieving period. When talking about treasured memories of the person who has died, people may laugh, smile, and celebrate their legacy.
Anger and sadness can also come in waves. You may see children take in the information and move on quite quickly. It may take weeks or even months for them to process the permanence of what has happened. “Many different feelings can come and go. One day, we may feel sad. Another day, we may feel happy or angry.”
It’s important to follow your child’s lead and not expect that their grief will look like yours.
Here’s some behaviors to brace for:
The repetition of their questions:Young children may want to ask the same thing repeatedly. It is part of their process of understanding and coping. Be prepared to answer with simplicity.
Modeling grief:It is okay for you to take some space for yourself, but avoid hiding your grief entirely. It can help your child to see you process grief; it may help them understand they are not alone in their pain.
Memorializing:Try to encourage your child to remember and talk about them. Creating memory boxes, drawing pictures, or sharing stories can help them process their grief and keep the memory of their loved ones alive.
Loss
Loss can include death but may also be felt from other transitions, such as moving to a new home, saying goodbye to friends, and changing schools. While these types of changes include something new to look forward to, having to say goodbye to the old first, can make them feel bittersweet. The general advice from above remains true:
Answer their questions, even if repetitive. Be open, honest, and factual.
Maintain other routines where possible that can be consistent and grounding for them.
In contexts like moves or changing schools, go ahead and support them in maintaining ties with friends—such as through FaceTime or pen pal letters! Doing so will not make it harder for them to adjust to their new community; it can be comforting for them to realize that goodbyes are not always all or nothing—that previous chapters, places, and people in our lives can stay with us even while new social circles evolve.
Divorce
Divorce can be particularly challenging for young children, as it often includes a shifts in family structure, living arrangements, and patterns of everyday life. Like other major transitions, your child will likely have to understand the basic reason changes are happening and what it means for their daily lives. With this in mind, it’s essential for both partners to:
If possible, let your children know about the divorce when things are final, and you and your partner have a concrete plan for them. Align on prepared answers to the children's questions, such as where will they live? If one parent says their house and the other says theirs – it can fuel confusion and insecurity for the child. This is where visuals and consistent schedules are helpful for children.
Be honest with the child and concrete about what divorce means. “Mommy and Daddy are going from married to unmarried. We are still your mommy and daddy even when we are unmarried. This means that we are friends but will not be living in the same house. Your plan will be X.”
There are so many reasons why couples decide to get divorced, and none of them are easy - even in the most amicable situations. When possible, keep the grownup conversations to grownups. Your children are part of both of you - when we share too much or say unkind things about the other parents, children will feel like there might be something wrong with them. Children will never feel responsible for their parents’ separation, nor will they feel pressure to pick sides.
Above all, remember you do not have to navigate the parenting stress of death, loss, or divorce alone. Children may show regressive behaviors and a range of emotions. Still, if it feels like a significant struggle, it can help to reach out to your child’s doctor, who can recommend a child psychologist or play therapist to layer in meaningful support for your child (and, therefore, you!).