“Slow-to-warm,” often referred to as “shy,” is a temperament type. All children are born with a certain temperament, and there is no right or wrong way to be social. These children are often observers and need a little time close to a trusted caregiver before jumping into a new situation or an overstimulating environment. This is normal. Children with this temperament type thrive on routines and predictability and may appear less flexible. They may seem hesitant about new experiences and be more resistant to change. These children may prefer to play in small groups versus large groups. They may also prefer certain social situations to others.
Children with slow to warm temperaments will not automatically become anxious or excessive worriers. Worries and fears are also normal in early childhood development as children learn about the world around them and develop their cognition and social skills.
Here are some things that you can do to support a child with a slow-to-warm temperament:
Provide a secure base, which means creating a safe and predictable environment where your child feels you are there to support them and give them the time they need to enter a new situation. Consistent routines and familiar settings can help them feel more at ease.
Introduce changes gradually. For instance, when introducing new activities or environments, do so gradually. Allow your child to observe from a distance before encouraging them to participate. The more space you give them to enter on their own time, the more confident they will be when entering the situation. Listen to their wishes. If they don’t want to go to a birthday party because they are uncomfortable with the space, let them miss it!
Offer gentle encouragement, but do not force them. Praise their efforts and progress, no matter how small, to build their confidence. And respect that their pace may be slow. Remember, there is no right way to engage.
Prepare for transitions and, when applicable, let them know a trusted grownup will be there.
Be patient and supportive. There is nothing wrong with this type of temperament type. Let your child know that you love them and will help guide them as they become more comfortable.
It’s valid to wonder, “Is this normal shyness, or is this indicative of a potential anxiety disorder?” It’s important that parents understand that there is a difference between a slow-to-warm temperament and an anxiety disorder. They are not the same. Any temperament type can experience anxiety. Anxiety is something that can interfere with everyday functioning, and for young children, it needs to be diagnosed by a mental health provider. Most anxiety diagnoses are not diagnosed before 5 years old, and a child needs to meet a very specific criteria that lasts for at least 6 months in multiple environments.
Consider, too, how just being a toddler or preschooler can be overwhelming because they are still getting to know the world and how stuff works; it’s quite typical for the youngest explorers to have bouts of “I’m not so sure about this,” or even when they are sure about it, they just like to watch. Observing is a fundamental mode of learning for kids, too. Children who are slow to warm are often very confident and want to be sure before they jump right in. They are more prone to “stopping and thinking. Slow to warm temperaments come with many additional strengths. These kids often develop strong observation skills, taking in details and understanding situations deeply before engaging. Their cautious nature can lead to thoughtful decision-making and a strong sense of security once they feel comfortable.
In the event, your child is consistently refraining from most social engagements and cannot participate in environments they regularly attend, like school, daycare, or grandparents house due to:
Worry
Stress
Sensory overwhelm
You can contact your pediatrician or seek early intervention to ensure you and your child get the support they need. Try to avoid these two extremes when you have a slow-to-warm or anxious-prone child:
Avoiding new environments altogether. If they have some level of worry, avoidance can make their worry grow because you’re validating that places and certain activities are too scary. Positive exposures over time can help children build confidence in the tune of, “Even when things feel new or scary to me, I am capable of adapting!”
Pushing too much, too soon. There’s a fine line between cultivating positive exposures and rushing your child. In the case of being slow-to-warm, it’s often enough to bring them and allow them to adjust. “You’re not ready to join yet. That’s ok! I trust you will join when you are ready.” This is confidence boosting compared to, “Come on! Go try the slide! Why can’t you be more like your sister?”