We’ve all been there. Your toddler is engaging happily in a seemingly great mood, so you decide it’s a good time to venture out. Whether you are picking up an older child from school, running errands, or heading to the park, your child suddenly throws a tantrum. This can feel embarrassing and stressful because all eyes are on you—and you have to figure out how to support your toddler, keep them safe, and not lose your cool on the spot. It’s hard!
However, by being aware of why toddlers tend to have big feelings that spark tantrums in public, you can approach the situation with an empowering perspective.
Building your parental toolbox starts with understanding more about your toddler
Toddlers have tantrums in public for several reasons, many of which are related to their stage of development and the environment that they are in. Often, big feelings and tantrums happen in public environments that are different from home or school and are, therefore, less familiar (and more overwhelming). Let’s dig a little deeper:
Overstimulation:One of the main reasons for public tantrums is overstimulation- when your child is exposed to many new sensory experiences at once and grows overwhelmed as a result. Whether it’s triggered by being in a crowd, new smells, sights, sounds, or overall uncertainty, sensory overload can decrease your child’s already fragile frustration tolerance. Big feelings and tantrums are often the result.
Difficulty communicating:Toddlers are learning how to communicate their wants and needs. Most have difficulty expressing their frustrations with words, making it harder to articulate what is upsetting them. When they cannot express themselves clearly, it can take a caregiver a moment or two to figure out what’s wrong and how to support them. This misunderstanding can lead to frustration.
A need for more autonomy:At their core, toddlers want to have freedom and feel independent. Their freedoms at home, such as moving on their own, are sometimes more limited when on the go. You may see an uptick in tantrums around using the car seat, stroller, or hand-holding. Toddlers often want to run free and explore at will because they are inherently curious. When they feel controlled or restricted in public settings, it may lead to big feelings and tantrums.
A need for connection:Toddlers may seek attention in public. As parents, we are often distracted by other conversations, focused on finishing errands or simply focused on navigating the outside world with one or more children in tow. When you tell your toddler to wait, this is inherently difficult and frustrating since your toddler is looking to connect, especially in places that are less familiar to them. This discomfort may lead to big feelings, which, in turn, get your attention. Over time, they can learn that big feelings get your attention quickly. They are not doing this to manipulate you, but they are truly looking to connect.
Transitions:Big or small shifts can be difficult for toddlers, period. When out in public, we tend to move through many transitions quickly, which can further fuel frustration for your toddler.
Here are a few tips to help avoid public tantrums:
Bring snacks, water (always), and something they find engaging (if not going to a children’s outing like the park or a museum). This will allow your toddler to refuel, as toddlers tend to need to eat more frequently than adults.
Involve your toddler in your errands to increase their sense of independence, build their confidence, and proactively help them feel close and connected. For example, let them hold a grocery list, put items in the cart, or carry the mail to the post office.
When possible, prepare your toddler for what’s going to happen on your outing. Toddlers don’t have a concept of time, but they can follow a routine. You might say, “First we’ll stop at the post office, then drive to the park.”
Be a sturdy leader. Notice when your toddler is overwhelmed and prepare to leave a situation. This is not a failure on anyone’s part. It’s meeting your little one where they are. Of course, sometimes we cannot just get up and leave, but when that is an option, it’s okay to say, “It’s time to go home and reset.”