How do I discipline my toddler? What do they really understand? These are questions that child development experts get all the time. And, philosophies around discipline and what is effective have changed over time. Nowadays we hear a lot about gentle parenting - but what does that even mean, and how does it pertain to discipline?

Gentle parenting is a philosophy that emphasizes empathy, respect, and understanding in raising children. It rejects harsh punishments, such as spanking, yelling or isolating, in favor of more constructive discipline strategies that focus on teaching rather than punishing. Gentle parenting is thought to be similar to an authoritative parenting style, which is a formally researched parenting approach, where parents establish clear and consistent boundaries and expectations. Discipline is supportive and teachable versus punitive. Both gentle parenting and authoritative parenting (the latter of which is research-backed as the ideal style) highlight clear communication between parents and children, with an emphasis on building a relationship rooted in respect, not fear.

Because gentle parenting is a movement, and not formally-researched, it does face misinterpretations and a bit of a “branding identity.” Often, it’s conflated with permissive or neglectful parenting, but at it’s core and when implemented with appropriate intent, it is not either of those things.

As your little one explores the world, tests boundaries, and asserts their independence, it’s natural for conflicts and discipline issues to arise. It’s important to understand that your little one is becoming their own person. Shift your point of view from, “My child is not listening; to, “My child is figuring out the world and learning who they are.”

Discipline is a way to learn, so when uncovering our approach to discipline, it’s important to lean on tactics that we know actually help guide children towards emotional intelligence, self sufficiency, and wellbeing. Generally, according to child development research, the most effective tactics are found in that authoritative parenting style. So, we can lean on that as our “north star.”

First, it’s important to note that toddlers do not listen on the first try (see article about “why toddlers never listen 🙃) because they are not yet generalizing rules. They also don’t have impulse control yet, and their language skills are still very much emerging. This doesn’t mean you can’t get frustrated or overwhelmed - parenting toddlers is not for the faint of heart! But, it’s helpful to understand the development behind why this is happening. By focusing on empathy, respect, and positive reinforcement, you can shape well-adjusted, emotionally secure children.

Redirection: Toddlers are naturally curious and often get into situations that require redirection. Instead of saying “no” all the time, try redirecting the child’s attention to a more appropriate activity. For example, if a toddler is drawing on the wall, you might say, “Let’s draw on this paper instead!” This approach not only stops the unwanted behavior but also teaches the child what is acceptable. Save “no” and “stop” for true safety concerns.

Positive language: The way we communicate with toddlers has a significant impact on their behavior. Instead of focusing on what they shouldn’t do, try telling them what they can do! For instance, instead of saying “Don’t run,” you could say, “Use walking feet.”

“Time-in” is an upgrade to “time out.” Traditional discipline often relies on time-outs as a way to manage misbehavior. “Go sit in your room until I tell you to come out!” A time-in involves sitting with the child and discussing their feelings and behavior rather than isolating them. Now, there are times when children need space and that’s okay - especially when bodies are out of control. But, isolation with feelings alone doesn’t teach anything. Staying close to encourage reflection and conflict-resolution is where learning happens that can lead to better outcomes.

Related and natural consequences: Consequences can strengthen cause and effect, which helps children make connections. Not to be confused with punishments that inspire shame or fear, consequences should be immediate and related to what’s happening. You can create a consequence that is logical; for instance, your child must get out of the tub when splashing too much. Or, you can let a consequence naturally play out - such as allowing your child to go outside after refusing to wear a coat, in which they experience feeling cold as a result.

*Pro tip: Try shifting your language from “if —> then” to “when —> then”. For instance, instead of, “if you splash, then your bath is done,” try, “When you splash, it let’s me know it’s time to get out of the bath.”

Model, model, model: Children are more likely to imitate positive behavior when they see it consistently modeled by the adults in their lives.

Praise desired behavior. We often catch our kids when they are doing something undesirable, but it’s more powerful when we catch them doing something positive. You might say something like, “Thank you for asking mommy for water in such a calm voice. I knew exactly what you needed.”

Empathy and validation can happen during discipline. When your little one is disappointed by a boundary or a redirection, it’s okay to validate their feelings. You, as the parent, are often the one that makes them upset and the co-regulates them at the same time. Honoring their feelings doesn’t mean you have to give in to unreasonable demands; it helps them feel heard and understood, which is an important part of conflict-resolution.

You’ve got this! Toddlers are going to make mistakes, push boundaries and need lots of reminders. At some point your toddler is going to push too far and you may respond in a way you wish you didn’t. That's ok - you’re human! There is always room for repair. In a calmer moment, you can say to your toddler something like, “Mommy’s voice got very loud. I was frustrated. That must have been a little scary for you. I’m sorry and I love you. I am working on staying calm when I am frustrated.”