It’s quite common that your little one seems to have selective hearing. While this can be frustrating, it’s normal. It’s important to dissect “not listening,” because there is so much development at play, and having this background will help you approach your child with patience and effective communication.
Let’s start with some communication tips:
Get down to their level when giving instructions and make sure you have some eye contact and acknowledgement.
Use “first, next, then” language. For example, “First shoes, then jacket.”
Be clear and use concrete language. Break down tasks when possible.
Tell them what you want them to do instead of what you don’t want them to do
Sing! When you sing instructions, it captures your child’s attention in a different way.
Slow way down. Often, we speak so fast to children, who may need more time to process verbal guidance.
Remember that you are going to have to repeat rules, boundaries, limits many, many times for a toddler. They are still learning to generalize things that they learn!
Some reasons why your toddler may struggle to “listen”
Toddlerhood is all about independence and autonomy
Think “I do it” and “mine”. With this new found independence, toddlers are inherently primed for testing boundaries and pushing limits. This is a natural and important part of growing up. Your little one has a desire to assert opinions, show preferences and explore the world. And, as a result, they might not immediately comply with requests or instructions, not because they are defiant, but because they are learning how to navigate their environment and exert control over their actions.
Listening can still be hard for 3-4 year olds
By preschool age, your little one still does not have the ability to take your perspective, which can make listening and complying hard. To take your perspective into consideration, they need something called Theory of Mind, which is just beginning to “turn on” around 4. So, they truly are coming from a place of fulfilling their own needs first, and will continue to test boundaries while building more independence and autonomy. Remember, testing boundaries is not about being naughty; it’s about understanding the world and the rules that govern it.
Underdeveloped language skills play a role
Learning to process directions is a receptive language skill. There is a natural progression to when children are able to take on such tasks. First, they need to be able to follow one step directions. Then, they can follow two step directions, and so on.
A good rule of thumb: the number of years they are is how many directions they can follow. This is an average - and you know your child best - but in general, holding onto information to complete tasks (working memory) is not easy and takes practice. Your little one’s brain is still developing the ability to focus, follow multi-step directions, and switch attention quickly from one activity to another.
When you feel like listening is persistently an uphill battle, consider these two things:
Your child may be overstimulated.The world is a fascinating place for toddlers, full of sights, sounds, and experiences that constantly grab their attention. It’s not uncommon for a toddler to become so engrossed in an activity that they genuinely do not hear or process what you are saying. This isn’t a willful act of disobedience but a natural result of their developing brains, short attention spans and ability to focus. Try to sing instead of talk! The unexpected tune of a song will often get your little one’s attention better.
Your toddler may be struggling to regulate their emotions.Yep, emotional regulation plays a big part in your child’s ability to listen, follow rules and take in information. Toddlers can be easily overwhelmed by strong feelings like frustration, anger, or excitement. So, if your toddler is in the midst of big feelings or a tantrum, they will not be able to process any information you are saying, thus making it difficult for them to listen. Try to give instructions or have conversations in calm moments, after those big feelings have settled.