Picking out Halloween costumes or holiday outfits are some of the most tempting moments to fully control as parents! This is normal. You are not a bad parent for wanting your child to rock the cutest sweater that you found, or to partake in a fun family themed costume or matching pajama party! Likely, this just indicates you care about the little things and you enjoy planning!
However, it’s also true that your child might really, really care about having a say, and this is where it is important to balance your love of planning with inclusion to your child’s need to exert autonomy. You can totally pick things out for your child and learn to hold space for their opinions and choices.
Let’s break down a quick scaffolded approach you could try — one that strikes a middle ground between “you WILL wear this!” and “anything goes.”
Baby and toddler stage:Yes, they’re young, and yes—you can start offering choices because they are absolutely capable of expressing preference! You might say, "Would you like to be a lion or a pumpkin?" and then show them actual examples of each. This honors their developing autonomy, but it’s not left so open-ended that it could be overwhelming for both of you.
Preschooler (3-4 years old):As your child hits preschool, their need for autonomy is bigger and bolder, and they’re more capable of navigating more options as well as engaging in concise, simple conversations related to thinking ahead. You can have a conversation with them about some features that are important, such as the weather and the cost. Then, invite them to go shopping with you and provide guidance on why some pieces may be off-limits and why others may be fair game. If something is within your budget and it is weather-appropriate, honor, acknowledge, and enjoy their emerging sense of style!
Kindergarten to elementary (5-6 years+)At this stage, kids often know what they want to be and can more reasonably respond to open-ended prompts as opposed to very-narrowed, vetted choices. You can start with an open question, "What are you thinking about being for Halloween?" Then, you can still provide parameters around budget and practicality. "That sounds fun! Let’s find something similar that’s warm enough for outside."
Discussion on sensitivity: This is a good age to introduce simple explanations about why some costumes, like cultural or offensive characters, might not be appropriate.
This scaffolded approach allows you to offer your child increased autonomy while still providing proportionate guidance. It might seem silly to give so much intentional thought to supporting their wardrobe, but having a say in what goes on their body is actually pretty meaningful to young kids—and often from an earlier age than most adults realize!