You may have been advised to let your child be “mom and dad’s little helper” once baby arrives. This is a classic example of how advice is rarely one-size-fits-all. While the general sentiment to include your child in the overall transition is positive, every child reacts differently to the arrival of a new sibling. Their willingness or reluctance to assist can vary based on age, personality, and past experiences.
So, what if you have a child who seems uninterested?
Rest assured, this reaction is perfectly okay! Not all older children may feel excited or eager to take on caregiving responsibilities for a new sibling.
Prompts like, “Can you help me give the baby a bath?” Or, “Bring me a new diaper!” may be exciting for some, who will relish the chance to join you. With others, it just may feel overwhelming. Maybe they just want to hang back and observe or connect to something else that’s more familiar to them – both valid choices.
Reluctance to help does not negatively reflect on them as individuals or as siblings; it's simply a natural response to a significant life change. It’s best to hold space for your children to bond on their own timelines and allow for trial and error around what types of engagements they want to do together.
A few more things to keep in mind:
Validate their indifference. Acknowledge and respect your older child's feelings about the new baby. Avoid pressuring or guilting them into engaging if they're not comfortable or ready. Forced participation can lead to resentment and strained sibling relationships.
Pressure can sound like, “That’s your job as the big sister! Please grab that diaper for me.”
Validating can sound like, “It makes sense you’d feel unsure about your baby brother. This is all new, and it takes time to get to know each other.”
Offer opportunities, not obligations: Instead of including them by asking for “help,” provide opportunities to interact in ways that feel natural and open-ended. This could include gentle play, reading together, or simply spending time in each other's presence.
Pressure-free invites could sound like, “I’m going to introduce baby to this bedtime book! I would love for you to join,” or, “Baby is now able to grasp toys! Want to watch me offer baby a new toy to see if they can hold onto it?”
Focus on positive reinforcement: Offer praise and positive reinforcement when your older child does engage positively with the baby, even in small ways. Highlight their kindness, gentleness, or patience, reinforcing positive behaviors without pressure or expectations.
This could sound like, “Hey, I noticed you walked around baby’s play mat so carefully earlier! I appreciated that! It was thoughtful of you to respect baby’s tummy time. I noticed baby looked up at you and really enjoyed watching you play, too!”
Sibling relationships evolve over time; these early months are just the beginning of their lifelong relationship! It's normal for there to be hesitancy and even a seeming lack of interest as everyone adjusts. Bonding takes time.