This is one of those “yes” and “no” answers.
Arguing with someone we love is a part of life, and it happens. The idea that parental disagreements should be hidden from children to maintain a peaceful environment is widely held. However, this can be an unrealistic standard and even one that ends up doing a disservice to children. If you persistently hide conflicts that happen with your partner, you may end up modeling:
That conflicts are shameful and shouldn’t happen (hello suppression)
That relationships shouldn’t have any conflict (which can end up feeling scary for them when they get older and face their own relationship conflicts)
That any feeling or emotion other than happiness would not be welcomed in a relationship
Offering reasonable transparency into constructive conflicts can build your child’s emotional awareness. They may realize that:
Conflicts can happen, even between people we love (and it can be handled, phew!).
There are concrete steps we can take to resolve and repair a conflict.
That said, conflicts that are hostile, aggressive, or violent can be very distressing for children and lead to anxiety, fear, and behavioral problems. Conflicts that perpetually go unresolved can also cause feelings of instability for children in the family home.
Both extremes should be avoided: We don’t want to instill extreme conflict avoidance as somehow admirable to our children, who will have to face conflicts of their own one day, but we also don't want to overload our children with hostile or unsafe situations.
There is a healthy middle ground:
Prioritize healthy conflict resolution:Do you have the tools you need to respond to conflict in a healthy manner? Self-improvement is a lifelong journey. Books like “The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work” can help, as can finding a couples or marriage therapist to provide personalized guidance.
Model ways to repair:Allow your children a small window into constructive moments of conflict resolution. If they ask if you both are okay, avoid shutting them down. Try something like, “You noticed we had an argument in the kitchen. Sometimes, grownups have big feelings about things too. We are okay, we just need to take a little space before we can come back together to talk again.”
And remember, you are responsible for your emotions – not your children.Avoid involving your children in conflicts, even if the argument is rooted in family matters. There is a big difference between modeling repair to your children and unfairly involving them. Instead of saying things like “You made us mad when you, and then we…” replace with clear boundaries: “I want you to know that you are not responsible for mommy and daddy’s feelings. We will fix it between each other! How are you feeling?”
If conflict escalates, it is critical to shield children from potentially unsafe or aggressive behavior.If you ever find yourself in a domestic violence situation, please call 911 or reach out to the domestic violence hotline.