Manners and expectations are like peanut butter and jelly—they just go together! If we’re only thinking about the manners we want our children to have, but we’re forgetting to pair those with developmentally-appropriate expectations, then we can end up insisting on manners that are way too advanced—or slacking on manners that they’re totally capable of trying! Below, we’ll share general guidelines on expectations that can pair nicely with mealtime manners.
Three expectations that are reasonable:
Helping to set the table: This will be a scaffolded approach, meaning you start with small steps when they’re mobile toddlers, such as showing them how to place a bowl on their placemat. As they get older(3-4+), you may find they are eager to take on more steps of setting an entire table. Since toddlers and young children have tiny but mighty hands, it’s helpful to make the items easily accessible and scaled to child size for safer handling. Place some small plateware, cups, napkins, and silverware in a low cabinet that they can reach so that they can do more of the process without so many physical barriers (like waiting on you to hand them everything).
Sitting at the table when a meal is ready:It just might not be 45 minutes long. Young children can realistically sit at the table for 5-20 minutes before the ask to stay still becomes developmentally inappropriate. They need to move so much more than we do! However, knowing they need to move doesn’t mean you should give up altogether on the social courtesy of coming to the table, nor does it mean you should allow free range of eating while running around, which is a choking hazard. It is reasonable to expect that they start the meal sitting down—even if you only get them for 8 minutes—and to remove their plate once they get up to indicate “leaving means no more food.”
Communicating respectfully:Yes, mealtimes will be messy and filled with bloopers in the early years, but they are not too young to practice things like, “Please pass me the ketchup!” Or, “No thank you, I’m full,” Or, “May I be excused?” However, holding this expectation must come with patience and grace; the process of learning these manners is a longer-term journey, meaning you’ll spend more time modeling these manners at first before you start to see consistency in your kids using them!
Here’s a quick list of more fun manners you can explicitly teach to your young one:
How to push in a chair when they leave
How to cough in their elbow or cover a sneeze
How to partake in a toast with “cheers!”
How to say excuse me
How to ask for seconds
How to politely decline food or drinks
How to ask to leave the table before others
How to wait turns talking
How to politely interrupt when something is urgent
How to help clean after spills they might make
Keyword: explicitly teach! Yes, positive role modeling is significant, but don’t leave all of these manners to passive observation. It can help to give your child a concrete introduction to each of these things because these are brand new concepts to them!