Change evolves over three distinct phases – not just one singular experience. There’s preparing for change, starting the transition, and then the aftermath. Understanding this process can help you set reasonable expectations around what it might be like – or how long it can take to truly reorient to something new.
You can prepare your child for their first school experience, for example, while understanding that going to school can still feel hard for them. Further, getting to the point of starting school is still the beginning of the transition. It can take many weeks, even months, for children to fully settle into the new environment!
Sometimes, we overprepare because we don’t want our children to struggle.
We think that if we talk about it enough, read the social stories, and orient them as best we can to what’s ahead, it will be easy.
Here’s the hard truth: Preparation isn’t about eliminating struggle. It’s about bracing for it. We don’t include our kids in what’s to come so they stay happy; we include our kids in what’s to come so they can process all of the feelings that might come with the change.
The sooner we allow our children to sort through their feelings, the sooner they can return to a regulated state and begin to adapt. If your child struggles with a change, it’s not a sign that you failed to prepare them. It’s a sign they’re working through it! Allowing your child to work through the process of change allows them to practice sitting with some discomfort or multiple feelings at once. And sometimes, we have to sit with that discomfort with them. Our role as parents is not to pave the road but to support our children over the bumps.
Here are some mantras to help you accept your child’s difficult feelings to transitions:
“They are allowed to feel upset about this.”
“This is a stage. This will pass.”
“This is hard because it is hard.”